But I'm A Cat Person

Fortunately, Miranda has also practiced this set of…well, not lies, but “straightforward answers to questions that have nothing to do with the topic, misleading you into thinking they’re on-topic after all.” She knows that “I’m not having sex with Poe” wouldn’t be convincing or reassuring — even though it’s also true — and would cast some suspicion on the “boyfriend” lie.

She’s not having sex with anyone, to be clear. She’s on birth control for the same reason I am: nothing to do with pregnancy risk, everything to do with “periods are awful, and being able to opt out of them is a huge boost to your comfort, health, and happiness.”

Miranda (thinking): This is bad. I’ve practiced that lie . . . but Dad’s smart. If he guesses that Poe is a Being — that I’m the reason he lost track of the whereabouts of the Raven —

Cohen: Look, Miranda, I need to ask . . . Do you know where in this house to find the condoms?

Miranda: Oh my GOD, Dad.

Cohen: I’m not going to panic about my adult daughter having sex — I just need to know that you’re safe!

Miranda: I’m a trust fund baby with a credit card and the Internet. If I need condoms, I can get them! Besides, I’ve been on birth control for like five years! After you got custody, but while I was still a minor — didn’t you notice?

Cohen: I . . . Okay, I may have missed that. And you know that only protects against pregnancy, not —

Miranda: Yes. I know how STDS work! I’m twenty. If you wanted to be involved in teaching me about this stuff, you’re a little late.

Cohen: . . . Yeah. Look, this Poe guy — is he good to you?

Miranda: He dotes on me. The novelty hasn’t worn off yet.