Partygoer #1: Tough luck, buddy!

Partygoer #2: Better luck next year!

Cohen: Real witty, fellas.

Cohen (thinking): Okay, not the best start, but what the hell. She was probably boring anyway.

At least I’m not desperate enough yet to tell Mom she can finally introduce me to her cousin’s hairdresser’s handyman’s niece.

Even if we do both like dogs —

— oh #### there’s a dead body in the garbage. This is what I get for trying to be an optimist.